the last night..we're sitting in a crowded restaurant...he says he doesn't feel comfortable around a lot of people. i ask if he wants to leave. he says he wants to be normal. ..and like times before he asks the waiter about the best thing they serve and then orders something else. we eat and talk about our dads' early deaths. i say that even in a long life you only get so many christmases or summers or whatever you love. he says he thinks his dad had a fulfilled life and tells of him hang gliding and eating desserts as meals. while he's talking i see his striped socks under the table and look at him with total affection. he stops talking...he knows i'm in the middle of a serious crush and he smiles so sweetly. it was a really nice moment. i ask how he feels because he called the night before and seemed unhappy. he says he was but that today -friday- he feels good. as we leave he does a perfect herzog impression to tell me about grizzly man. driving back we follow a skunk down alleys and through yards. we fall asleep to really loud crickets.
in the morning he's all tangled up in his blue covers with one foot sticking out. i look at his foot for a long time...then wake him to ask if his alarm is set. i say to have fun camping. i didn't say to be careful. i didn't know that was the last night and the last morning...his last night and last morning. i want to walk up those stairs and see him sitting crosslegged on the floor building his house. i can't believe this happened to him. i keep saying i'm sorry.
a month before i told him i had seen the end of whale rider and that riding a whale out to sea to die seemed natural...our bodies and the earth being mostly water, the amniotic fluid of birth, etc. he didn't really respond but then said something about me not believing in god. i said i had trouble with a certain concept of god but that i could see some sort of nature spirit. he assured me with cockroaches...saying that their unawareness of human existence is our unawareness of some thing greater. he had given me this little rainbow bouncer -a disk that when held to the sun "splashes your walls with sun spectrums". yesterday i sat in the yard with stanley and made little rainbows. they were little, but brilliant, and it felt like maybe there is some thing, some nature spirit, and he's there making it more amazing. today his absence is everywhere and i really, really want to hear him laugh and smell his hair and tell him he's the best man i've ever met.
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the last night..we're sitting in a crowded restaurant...he says he doesn't feel comfortable around a lot of people. i ask if he wants to leave. he says he wants to be normal.
..and like times before he asks the waiter about the best thing they serve and then orders something else.
we eat and talk about our dads' early deaths. i say that even in a long life you only get so many christmases or summers or whatever you love. he says he thinks his dad had a fulfilled life and tells of him hang gliding and eating desserts as meals.
while he's talking i see his striped socks under the table and look at him with total affection. he stops talking...he knows i'm in the middle of a serious crush and he smiles so sweetly. it was a really nice moment.
i ask how he feels because he called the night before and seemed unhappy. he says he was but that today -friday- he feels good.
as we leave he does a perfect herzog impression to tell me about grizzly man. driving back we follow a skunk down alleys and through yards. we fall asleep to really loud crickets.
in the morning he's all tangled up in his blue covers with one foot sticking out. i look at his foot for a long time...then wake him to ask if his alarm is set. i say to have fun camping.
i didn't say to be careful. i didn't know that was the last night and the last morning...his last night and last morning. i want to walk up those stairs and see him sitting crosslegged on the floor building his house. i can't believe this happened to him. i keep saying i'm sorry.
a month before i told him i had seen the end of whale rider and that riding a whale out to sea to die seemed natural...our bodies and the earth being mostly water, the amniotic fluid of birth, etc. he didn't really respond but then said something about me not believing in god. i said i had trouble with a certain concept of god but that i could see some sort of nature spirit. he assured me with cockroaches...saying that their unawareness of human existence is our unawareness of some thing greater.
he had given me this little rainbow bouncer -a disk that when held to the sun "splashes your walls with sun spectrums". yesterday i sat in the yard with stanley and made little rainbows. they were little, but brilliant, and it felt like maybe there is some thing, some nature spirit, and he's there making it more amazing. today his absence is everywhere and i really, really want to hear him laugh and smell his hair and tell him he's the best man i've ever met.
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