It's 1:44 in the morning, and I'm about to go to bed. The earliest I'll have been to bed in a month. Working like crazy, and loving it. Helping people. Doing exactly what I want to be doing, and letting go of the rest. Somehow over the years, I developed a sort of faith that everything would just work itself out or something. I don't know what this means, I don't really care. I know that tomorrow is Sean's birthday, and I miss him so much. It's amazing how much he's with me, all the time. I'm not really amazed, I guess, but I'm tremendously grateful. I can feel him in my heart. Not like in a special place in my heart, although I know he lives there too. But I can feel him inside, when things are sometimes hard to deal with, and he's in there, pumping my blood through my body, helping me live, helping me believe. He likes to help people. I do my very best to follow his example. I'm carrying on right now , streaming, crying. 1:53. No one watching, no one caring, no judgments. Just me. Me and Sean. Where I am right at this exact moment, is where I do a lot of my work, and on my right, I have a little Sean shrine.... A picture of Sean and Lon with that old flaming Mercedes, a little yellow Ben, a glue cast of Sean's finger, Minibot, a little ring that says "don't worry, be happy," a photo of Sean from New Years Eve one year, a tiny little random sculpture, a photo of Sean that says "i was dead, i came alive. i was tears, i became laughter," a Desire chip... and so I sit here 1:59am, and often I look over to see his expression from New Years Eve, "You're right in time and I love you." And there's humor to it, and total sincerity at the same time. He's a safe zone. And I love him. And I miss him. I miss him like I never knew I could miss someone. I never expected to need to miss someone like this. And then in an instant, I had no choice. And it hurts sometimes. It hurts a lot. It hurts so much it's hard to take it. And he's in there pumping, pumping. And I know that, and I love him for it. But i'm still selfish, I want him to be here, and I know he is, ...but I want him to be here. With me. Helping each other. Together on his birthday.